I Hate Christmas

Were approaching the season when many people begin to shop for Christmas. When I was a boy, Christmas shopping began in December, but then it moved to the day after Thanksgiving, and now malls all over the country begin to advertise for Christmas shopping as early as October. So its time to address this season that has become the super marketing event of the year.

Several years ago, I got a letter that typifies what many of us go through every Christmas season.

Dear Greg,

I like a lot of things about CB68hristmas: the lights, the carols, the food. Some people even become nicer than usual. But theres a lot I really hate about it. Every year I run around trying to get just the right gift for dozens of people, and for what? Half the time I dont get the right thing, and the other half of the time, people are happy for a few minutes and then its forgotten. Its a lot of work for not much in the long run. But if I dont buy any presents, people will be mad, so what can I do?

My response:

What we all really want is to feel loved unconditionally. We want relationships where people care about us and enjoy being around us no matter what we do, but very few of us have known that kind of loveReal Love. Instead, weve always had to do the right things to make people happy, and if we didnt, it was obvious from their words, tone of voice, posture, and other behaviors that they were disappointed in us, even irritated.

If we cant have Real Love, we settle for buying the approval of other people. We try to be cooperative and successful so people will like us. We try to look good, say the right things, and do nice things for people in order to win their approval. Somehow we sense weve had to buy other peoples love with our behavior, but it still feels better than no approval at all.

Earning the affection of other people is a lot of workmost of us devote our entire lives to itbut what else can we do? Because we cant live without that approval, were willing to keep on earning it, no matter what effort is required. Eventually, the feeling of conditional approval loses its thrill, but we still cant stop earning it, because the feeling of losing it is intolerable.

So now were stuck. Earning conditional love isnt all that fulfilling, but losing it is awful, so we keep pleasing people just so they wont dislike us. As you said, if you dont give any presents, youre afraid people will be mad. At Christmas time especiallyand on birthdays, Valentines Day, and some other occasionsmany, perhaps most, of people the people around you expect you to buy gifts and in other ways prove your affection for them and earn their approval.

If you dont do as they expect, they see it as proof that you dont care about them, and then theyre disappointed and irritated. Regrettably, their disappointment and irritation prove without doubt that they dont really care about you and your happiness. If they really cared about you, it wouldnt matter what you gave them.

People who require gifts are telling you they dont have enough Real Love in their lives, and theyre give you the job of filling their emptiness. The pressure to do that is greater than usual at Christmas, because our culture virtually decrees that we must do something at that special time for those around us. We igno5B4re that tradition at our peril. Unfortunately, although no material gifts you give will ever fill the emptiness that results when people dont have enough Real Love, those people will nonetheless insist with great energy that you try to do just that. With that demanding and ungrateful attitude, however, there are only two possibilities: They can briefly be satisfied with you in a superficial way, or they can be enormously disappointed.

You do not have to be a slave to these demands. Make your own choice about giving presents. You may still choose to give gifts to some people, but do not do that just because you fear what theyll do if you dont. If you give gifts from a sense of obligation, in effect you become a hostage to the people who have these expectations of you, and thats a terrible way to live. When I hear people describe their Christmas shopping, the word I hear in conjunction with that activity more than any other is the word HAVE, as in I HAVE to do my Christmas shopping. There is so much obligation and duty associated with it, and something is wrong with that picture.

Understand that Im not suggesting you change what youre doing, only describing a possible solution to your frustration. So what will happen if you simply dont give gifts to people who have traditionally expected them? Many people won't care a bit. In fact, they'll be relieved, because your gifts always made them feel obligat5B4ed to give you something in return. Some other people will be disappointed and/or irritated, especially if they gave you a gift, but then what have you really lost? Those who become angry will only prove that theyre not really your friends anyway. Theyll be demonstrating that theyve just been trading Imitation Love with you.

You cant control what people think of you, but you can make your decision about Christmas gifts easier on them if you simply tell them about it ahead of time. You could explain that all the shopping has begun to interfere with your enjoyment of the season. You could tell them that you dont expect anything from them, either, but that youre not telling them what to do.

For years, Ive made no Christmas purchases whatever. My wife, Donna, and I enjoy Christmas music, the food, the decorations, and a fire in the fireplace. But I dont buy her a thing, nor does she get me anything. Were not trying to make a point of some kind. We simply dont need such gifts in order to feel loved. Instead we enjoy spending time with family members and friends. When we started doing this, a few people were offended, but either they got over it as they realized our intent, or they decided our friendship had no value to them. In both cases, it was a win.

A couple of years ago, a man asked my wife what Id given her for Christmas. She said, Every day of the yearmany times a dayhe kisse5B4s me, touches me, and looks at me with an affection I never thought possible. And thats what I got for Christmas, too.

He couldnt believe what he was hearing. Thats all you got? He didnt give you a gift?

Donna smiled and said, He loves me with all his heart. Hes my best friend. What could I possibly want more than that?

Im not telling anyone to stop giving gifts. If my children were small, wed still be putting gifts under the tree. Theres something magical and unique about believing in Santa. Donna still sends gifts to some of the young children in her extended family. I can tell you, however, that since we quit feeling the least bit obligated to give gifts, we dont feel pressured or rushed at that season. Christmas is a delightful time to share with our friends and family the unconditional love we feel for them, just as we hope to do all the other days of the year

The world is literally dying from a lack of the one thing essential for our happinessReal Love. We spend our entire lives trying to replace that unconditional love with praise, power, sex, money, entertainment, safety, and so on. But it never works, and the resulting emptiness and fear are almost too much to bear.

We dont have to live like this anymore. Greg Baer and RealLove.com are teaching 499(1) the real cause of fear and anger and (2) how to find this Real Love that replaces the fear, anger, and conflict in our lives with peace, confidence, and genuine happiness.

Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDstwo of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Groupand has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.

For more information on Real Love, including hours of free streaming video and audio, visit http://www.RealLove.com . Youll be grateful for the rest of your life that you took this step.

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